I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
