you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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