my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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