I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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