Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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