rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
