I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
