Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
