It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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