If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
