Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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