I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
