i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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