Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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