Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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