why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
