tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We are all done wearing pants today
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
