I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
