guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
