i'm lost and i look like a hooker
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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