she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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