Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just made my gag reflex go away.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
