Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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