Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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