I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
