jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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