I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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