Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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