Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
