when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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