i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
