Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We left an ass print on the piano.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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