That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
