that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
