im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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