Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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