worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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