judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
