I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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