You made me cry and you don't even care
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
