I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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