She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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