Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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