She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
