I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
