Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize