I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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