All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
