i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I met the friendliest cop last night
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
