hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
