I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
