so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize