So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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