mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
