theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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