Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
