I met the friendliest cop last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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